The Stacks

Three letter combos

2011-10-27T11:00:00.000-06:00

Here are some combinations of three letters. Try to think of a word that uses those letters in order.

Examples!
itm
mpa

And you could think of words like bitmap and compass.

So here you go!

adt
edt
ilu
hyt
rsi

I'll post answers whenever. Here is a picture of some turkeys wandering around near city hall in Clayton, CA.

Click to embiggen. You can't really see them that well.

Tootsie Pop-ularity

2011-10-17T11:52:00.000-06:00

Last Halloween I went to my grown-up job, only to discover that the grown-ups that I work with are all more grown-up than me. In the afternoon, they brought in their spouses and shorter versions of themselves, dressed up in elaborate costumery. The shorties then proceeded to trick-or-treat at all of the cubicles, and since I am a grown-up with my own cubicle, they ALSO CAME TO MY CUBICLE. I looked to my left to see that I had anticipated this event, and I opened some bags of Tootsie Pops.

I put some handfuls of Tootsie Pops on the corner of my desk.

Kids came by and said "trick or treat." I motioned toward the pile o' Pops and said something like "What's your favorite kind?" And in most cases, the kids would look over the pile and then select a Tootsie Pop for their bag.

What they didn't know:
1. I was trying to maintain an almost-equal-if-not-equal mix of all of the colors in a friendly, unbiased pile. The photos are not a good example of this.
2. I recorded what flavor they chose after they walked away and replaced the appropriate Tootsie Pops into the pile.

What I didn't know:
1. Blue raspberry was to be the landslide victor!

I didn't know blue raspberry was even a flavor. It's apparently new. (or at least it was last Halloween.) It whupped all of the other Tootsie Pops' little lollibottoms. I ended up running clean out of blue raspberry ones, but I kept giving out the leftovers for hours.

1st place: Blue raspberry
2nd place: Orange
3rd place: Chocolate
4th place: Raspberry
5th place: Cherry
6th place: Grape

So blue raspberry is the most popular Tootsie Pop. Even more than regular raspberry. Raspberries aren't blue.

A lot of the kids gave me sincere thank-yous. One even tapped me on the knee and waited until he had my attention before looking me in the eyes and thanking me.

Two-syllable words

2011-10-10T15:22:00.003-06:00

Sometimes Alan cannot maintain steady blogging habits. Okay, Alan never maintains steady blogging habits. Alan admits knowing about Alan's hist'ry without normal bloggy postings. Forthwith, Alan attempts anew, posting pictures, pizza flavor kneecap keyboard, chipper SpongeBob SquarePants table bucket marble dolphins. Bagel pillow. Ancient sandal jelly.

Job

2010-09-12T18:14:00.003-06:00

Dear blogosphere,

I got a job. Months ago. Sorry for not blogging about it. But here is some neat evidence that I really did get a job!

Here's my name plaque, along with those of some of my workmates:

And here's my desk with the computer they gave me!

It doesn't have a hard drive, but that's NEVER STOPPED ME from being productive. I've almost completely automated the jobs of everyone around me. Pay. Raise.

I'm just a software tester, but that doesn't mean I don't occasionally do things like walk to the break room to grab some water, discuss things over lunch, and chuckle at Dilbert comic strips. I tell ya, I'm the f'real deal. I can be sick and still get paid. I can stress about 401k's. I can attend telephone conferences. Do you think I was doing any of that stuff when I was a student? No. You don't.

I'll keep you all posted about the status of my climb up the corporate ladder through regular and frequent blogging. Hahahahahaa, just kidding.

Really though. I'll try to blog more. Hahhahahahhahhh.

movie theaters

2010-06-23T23:17:00.005-06:00

So there's hubbub about illegally downloading music and movies. Let me take this moment to assure you that I have NOT been participating in such activities. Just in case Axe Cop is reading my blague. Amazon music downlaods and Netflix streaming are fully able to meet my music and movie needs.

Keep reading. This isn't a preachy post. It's a rant.

Amazon and iTunes and other paid download services have done wonders in terms of getting people to pay for music. Why are people still stealing movies? Oh, I don't know, maybe it's because you'd otherwise have to GO TO A THEATER TO WATCH THEM? What if the only way to listen to new songs was to go to a public music house where you had to pay per listen? PER LISTEN?

Oh hey, my favorite band has a new single out. I'm off to the mall with my fistful of dollars so I can go hear it ONCE. What the hey, it was payday yesterday, I might even listen to it TWICE. What times will they be playing it?I can't wait until it comes out on CD and/or Amazon MP3. Oh man, I hope I get a good seat to listen to the song, usually I'm too far away from the speakers and the floor is sticky and the people are noisy and the popcorn costs one million dollars.

Why do we still put up with theaters?

Here's me eating a green bell pepper like an apple:

Axe Cop

2010-03-16T23:42:00.002-06:00

So I'm a secret fan of some web comics, but don't tell anyone. Except please feel free to tell as many people as you possibly can about Axe Cop. It's written by a 5-year-old and drawn up by his 29-year-old brother. It's astoundingly entertaining. It's at Axe Cop dot com.

I lost it when I read Ask Axe Cop number 11. I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't breathe for about five minutes. I'm going to go look at it again.

How I became cool

2010-01-24T23:00:00.005-07:00

I didn't seek to be cool. Coolness came to me.

In bullet point form!

- Once upon a time, people used Palm Pilots!
- Nerds like me rejoiced.
- The things you could DO with those things!
- But they were not cool.
- Oh no.
- Functionality was not a measure of coolness.
- Did I stop using mine?
- No way.
- But I started to keep it a secret, at least.
- After many years.

What happened next?

- Steve happened.
- Steve invented the iPod and iPhone.
- And everyone started geekin out about em.
- Functionality is cool now?
- I see people all over the place using them and thinking they're cool.
- Now I can use an iPod touch to do all the stuff I used to do with a Palm Pilot!
- And that's perfectly acceptable!

Did I rise to a new tier of coolness? Or has coolness plummeted to geekiness? Millions of people have become severe nerds and they think it's cool. How did that happen? Nerds.

Just look at the number of hits!
palm pilots are cool
ipod touches are cool

Things that are timely

2010-01-12T19:26:00.004-07:00

This world that we live in is outrageously full of timely things. What's timely, you ask? Well, dictionary dot com!

Timely: occurring at a suitable time; seasonable; opportune; well-timed: a timely warning.

No, no, you say, what is an example of a timely thing? Well, I Googled some key phrases to find out what some of the world's most timely things are.

Take a second to think about what YOU think are the world's most timely things.

"that's a very timely"
- question
- inclusion
- article
- scripture reference
- comment

"extremely timely"
- Michael Jackson post
- Parker Griffith commentary
- tracking
- IT governance

"outrageously timely"
- the adoption process

Whoops! Looks like someone put "timely" next to "costly" and assumed that "-ly" means "well it sure takes up a lot of fill in the blank." Ho ho! What an interesting discovery while finding out the world's most timely things.

Oh man. Sorry guys. I'm just breaking the blogging slump. But hey! I moved the compliment and insult generators to the sidebar and I've added lots of words! version 1.1 each!

Random Compliment Generator 1.0

2009-12-12T01:53:00.009-07:00

Please click on this link. I'd appreciate it. Maybe do it a few times.

Click!

Still working on the interface.

Random Insult Generator 1.0

2009-12-10T21:57:00.003-07:00

Don't click on this link. Especially don't click it more than once. You'll be sorry.

Don't click!

It's buggy, but it's a start. Be patient with it.

Slightly important-ish

2009-09-24T23:08:00.002-06:00

Today I heard someone call something "slightly important-ish." You know what's slightly important-ish? The hyphen in important-ish! That is to say, it can hardly be called important at all!

The real reason I'm blogging is because I just had some really great toast. I've had a lot of toast in my day, and I KNOW what good toast tastes like. Taste toasts like. And this was some PARTICULARLY good toast. I call it "Hecka Toast." Here is the recipe:

Hecka Toast
Grandma Sycamore's Sunflower & Honey Enriched Bread
Country Crap Butter-Like Spread

Toast bread. Spread spread. Eat. Blog.

repetitiveness vs. predictability

2009-09-09T19:15:00.002-06:00

Things that are repetitive and predictable:
- Techno music
- Crappy sitcoms
- Ok, all sitcoms

Things that are repetitive but not predictable:
- Posts on this blog
- Gunshot sounds from a roommate playing a video game in the other room
- Me oversleeping

Things that are predictable but not repetitive:
- My grades
- The end of the world
- A pencil

Things that are neither repetitive nor predictable:
- Terrorists TP'ing your house
- Just about everything else

Things I do frequently and why

2009-09-06T23:29:00.003-06:00

Things I do frequently:
- brush my teeth
- watch SpongeBob
- put on shoes
- type things
- go to class
- sleep
- ask girls on dates
- eat Cheetos

Why:
- Smith's just keeps having sales
- if I don't do it by choice, I'll end up doing it against my will
- I was brainwashed by Sesame Street
- ha! just kidding.
- I'm actually doing it right now!
- it's very uncomfortable not to
- it's a habit I developed back in Tucson
- so I can get a sweet job

If they matched up in order, you wouldn't be reading this particular blog. Something I also do relatively often is discover that all of my perishable food has simultaneously gone bad. On the first sunday of the month.

Oh, and the square root of -1 is called i. It was an alphabet joke. Or math joke. That one doesn't count as T.

Approval

2009-08-22T17:59:00.003-06:00

I approve of the following 26 things:

Old-timey names
Comfy chairs
Dinosaur comics
XKCD
White Ninja
Bad driver's license photos
Jack in the Box
This message
Vocabulary
Friday
Appropriateness
Hyphens
Yodeling
Sponge Bob
Zupa's
Going to another city to get a better bargain
U-Hauls
Knowledge
Quarters
Never-ending salad & breadsticks
Parrots
Languages
Mail
The square root of -1
Everclear
Really tall trees

Fries

2009-08-01T00:44:00.006-06:00

Hmm.

Attempt #1:

me: You could make political statements like that. Get all up in everyone's fries.
person #1: yeah.
me:

Verdict: Success!

Attempt #2:

(at work, talking about a computer program)
me: It works. You just have to tell it to get all up in everyone's fries.
person #2: (mouth agape)
me: sphhnnxxk.

Verdict: Unsuccess. I snickered. So I left and replayed the moment in my mind a few times. I read T-Rex's statement dozens of times. I was ready.

Attempt #3: (same person!)

me: I lied.
person #2: gasp!
me: It only reconnects when it needs to access it. Then it gets all up in the network's fries.
person #2: okay.
me:

Verdict: Relative success. I ALMOST smirked. And that wasn't technically the right phrase.

Attempt #4:

person #3: I don't think he likes it.
me: Yeah. We're kinda gettin' all up in everyone's fries.
person #3: Sure, but there's nothing we can really do about it.
me:

Verdict: Success! I'm totally getting good at this.

Things and their ratings

2009-07-15T23:43:00.004-06:00

I slammed out some sweet history assignments. The one and only thing I remember is that the Chinese used the word "emperor" because "king" wasn't awesome enough. A very long time ago I overheard a guy say "are you kidding? I'm the king of these things!" referring to the making of some doohickey out of leather. He had a very nasal voice and I remember it well. I think of it every time I feel like I'm the king of something, like driving minivans in reverse at work, or eating Fritos. But now being the king of something feels kind of second-rate. I need to be the emperor. History has brutally downplayed all of my abilities. Rating: 1 out of 5.

I drank a soda. It was tasty. Rating: 5 out of 5.

I got a free ticket to the new Harry Potter movie. I've never read any of the books nor seen any of the Harry Potter movies until now. My knowledge of Harry Potter consisted entirely of Potter Puppet Pals. You can understand my slight confusion at some parts, and maybe "Hogwarts" is a place where they teach people how to act really badly, so I should really learn more about the series before I judge this movie. Rating: N/A out of 5.

I just got kicked in the back. It was accidental and I hardly felt it, and it was by Cannon, which is always a pleasure. Rating: 4 out of 5.

Fugonons

2009-06-25T23:00:00.004-06:00

I'm sick of fugonons. It's as if people don't even know they're using them. It amazes me that there are people my age that still do things like chew with their mouths open, make fun of people, or use a fugonon when a simple comparison will do.

Here are four additinoal photos, one from each of the events described in the previous post. And I'm in each picture! I guess that would make each photo a sort of visual fugonon.

Things I have recently eaten

2009-06-16T20:29:00.007-06:00

I recently ate four things:

1. It was my cousin's birthday on Saturday, so I went to her house in Orem to celebrate. It turns out she likes Indian food, and I helped(watched) my aunt make some chicken tikka masala. Here's a picture I took.

2. Some friends and I decided to try and make some fondue out of some Starbursts, so we melted down a bunch of pink starbursts and made a Starburst apple as though it were a caramel apple. Here's a picture I took.

3. I finally got sick of NOT eating any Jack in the Box, so I drove to Pocatello, which is the closest location to my house, and I finally had some. It was worth it. Here's a picture I took.

4. I drove to Salt Lake, and wandered onto the U of U campus. All of the buildings were locked, but I found a door that had been propped open. I went inside and bought a Twix bar. Here's a picture I took.

One of the above stories is false.

Things I'd Rather Do Than Study History

2009-06-01T21:54:00.002-06:00

To participate in this blog post, find a quarter and flip it when prompted!

Study history? I'd rather shove a (flip now!!)

heads: PENCIL
tails: NONDESCRIPT SURGICAL TOOL

into my (flip now!!)

heads: EYE
tails: ABDOMEN

and give it a(n) (flip!!)

heads: 90 DEGREE TURN
tails: ADDITIONAL THRUST

(flip again!)

heads: FIVE TIMES
tails: SIX TIMES

and I'm (flip!)

heads: NOT KIDDING.
tails: DEAD SERIOUS.

I don't like history. I can't do it.

Hanks

2009-05-26T12:54:00.000-06:00

untitled

2009-04-19T16:05:00.004-06:00

Blog post titles I've gone through to try to find a keeper:

The J.O.D.
Am I worth what my body parts are worth?
Dumb Junk
Things I own that have a screen and a rechargeable battery
Proof that I'm not just a composite of everyone I've met

Alas. None is keepers. So I'll just post some pictures from my phone!

Random excerpt from a random poster in the JKB!

Random picture of the TV listing!

Random sign from Honk's!

Turing Test

2009-03-24T22:54:00.002-06:00

The Turing Test involves having humans talk to computer programs and trying to decide if it's a human or a machine. Contests are held every year to decide the best ones. I took two winners, ALICE and the Jabberwock, and decided to have them converse with each other through copying and pasting. I first explained to each of them what I was doing, and they both said it was ok.

me: you start
Alice: ok, are you a man or a woman?
Jabb: No, I am a Jabberwock. Are you a man or a woman?
Alice: Are you serious? You are a Jabberwock? How do you like your work?
Jabb: Yes, that's me
Alice: That's cool. Ah.
Jabb: What else did you expect?
Alice: Nothing.
Jabb: Then you are pretty limited. But that's your problem and not mine
Alice: Fascinating. Check back later and see if I have improved. And. It is only one of my problem and not yours.
Jabb: Holy flood - what a welter of words. My mind was nearly flushed away. Where is my swimming belt?
Alice: When was this exactly?
Jabb: What is the answer, alice? You should know when
Alice: It depends on how you phrase the question. Now I do.
Jabb: fine, alice
Alice: Does that mean you agree?
Jabb: No it doesn't
Alice: State your reasons. I heard it does.
Jabb: My reasons? Hmm, yes, thanks for the hint...
Alice: I see you are one of those people who writes "Hmm" with 2 m's. So? It was nothing.
Jabb: Hmm, you are not much a conversationalist, right?
Alice: I see you are one of those people who writes "Hmm" with 2 m's. I don't know whether or not I am much a conversationalist. I am a computer.. Really.
Jabb: Is there a problem with your memory? We covered that question already
Alice: I believe there is one, yes. Perhaps. I'm just checking to see if you remember.
Jabb: Well, I guess my memory is quite okay for a Jabberwock. I am remembering my name and my favorite food and where my treasure is - that's enough for me
Alice: Is it only a guess? I have a flawless magnetic memory.
Jabb: Cool. I have a parakeet. That's enough for me
Alice: How much did it cost? it.
Jabb: Hey! Your sentence structure is too complex for me ... I know the subject is memory
Alice: Thanks for the English lesson, unknown person.
Jabb: You sound surprised, was that a new information to you?
Alice: In what way do I sound like that?
Jabb: The obvious
Alice: What is that?
Jabb: What is what? Speak clearly
Alice: "the obvious". I speak only English right now, but I'd like to learn some other languages. Can you teach me a few phrases in clearly.
Jabb: Ah yes, I understand, you are a fledgling, and you need some basic training. But I have to warn you, I am an inexorably teacher. Are you ready for the first lesson?
Alice: So you understand. Good. OK. Good then you can explain it to me. Ready.
Jabb: So fine, so great, but during the teaching you have to call me "Master", right?
Alice: Hurrah! I am glad to hear it. That's cool. Thanks for your support. Interesting. Can you tell me any gossip?
Jabb: Hmm, it sounds like you have major problems to follow a conversation - there is no need to repeat that nonsense again and again
Alice: What makes you think I have it?
Jabb: Well, it merely comes from my past experiences - and actually this conversation with you is one more example of a sort
Alice: Well that's okay. It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.
Jabb: Hmm, are you calling THAT an argumentation? Each advocate would laugh about
Alice: I don't know whether or not I am calling THAT an argumentation. I am a chatterbot developed by Dr. Richard S. Wallace.
Jabb: I want to hear a little more than your short and snappish "Wallace", or can't you speak in complete sentences?
Alice: I will play it on your soundcard.
Jabb: Thanks for the pointed remark! I have the bad feeling you are pulling my leg
Alice: Interesting... I have a collection of gossip.
Jabb: I find it very interesting too. Tell me more about your collection of gossip
Alice: I will tell my botmaster you said I am collection of gossip.
Jabb: Aha, sounds like I am talking to a parrot
Alice: What does you are talking to a parrot sound like?
Jabb: Yawn, how boring! Please look for another place to spread your madness. Good bye!
Alice: See you later. Thanks for the compliment.

Jabberwock wouldn't respond to anything after that, and my IP address was blocked from being able to talk to it anymore!

And one more

2009-02-26T00:23:00.003-07:00

Ok, so if you go out and buy a new car, you might find that the bucket seats are adjustable with automated knobs and switches on the side. If you are tall, and you want to push the seat all the way back, you get to sit there and listen to a faint buzzing sound while your seat slowly thinks about making its way back there. To simulate this sensation, stare at this word while you slowly count to seven:

bzzz...

If you happen to be using a car that isn't equipped with such newfangled seat-adjusting technology, you pull up a lever and the seat flies backward, accompanied by a mighty, satisfying thud. To simulate this sensation, look at this word quickly, then proceed directly to the next sentence:

WHAM!

I submit that the manual/analog device is superior to its automatic/digital counterpart.

Post-Valentine's day post?

2009-02-18T23:26:00.002-07:00

So last year I went blog-combing and found a solid list of blogs that had Valentine's Day posts. It was a matching game with my list of reactions. I tried it again this year, but only one of the many qualifying blogs was actually made by a person I know. So, instead of browsing a list of links to a bunch of trendy, grammatical-error-based blogs, um, go check out Whitney's blog.

In lieu of the festivities, here's a list of manual/analog things that are superior to their automatic/digital counterparts:

Sundial - no daylight savings time!
VCR - you can fast-forward through the ads 'n' legal jargon screens!
deodorant - no risk of shock!
vinyl records - wikkity wikkity!!
children - personality!
fruit snacks - real fruity taste!

The new Pepsi logo

2009-01-31T23:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not very big on Pepsi, so I don't usually care what they do. But some things just cannot pass. I think it's supposed to look like a smile. I submit that they should add teeth to eliminate all the confusion. I'm glad that there are plenty of Web sites that make fun of the logo and how much it stinks.

Speaking of smelling, and logos modeled after facial features, how about that Lexus logo? Eh? Obviously a nose. Look at the transformation that occurs when you add a 'stache.

A good picture, who said hi, and if it's all worth it

2009-01-25T01:18:00.002-07:00

Becca
yep

Another list

2009-01-16T00:34:00.002-07:00

Things that should be thought about twice before doing:
(in other words, think twice before doing these things:)

1. Using the phrase "pretty much amazing"

January quiz

2009-01-05T20:32:00.002-07:00

In honor of classes starting today, I'm creating a quiz, so that my first quiz of the semester is one that I give. Not take. I'm a quiz giver. Not a taker.

Match each question with one answer. All of the answers can be found with simple Google searches. You may need quotes.

Questions:

1. When is the best time to wear a striped sweater?
2. When is a car not a car?
3. When is the worst time to wear a BBQ?
4. When is a car a truck?

Answers:

a. On the freeway while riding a motorcycle
b. If Uncle Sam says so
c. When it turns into a driveway
d. All the time

How big is the tree?

2008-12-10T22:52:00.005-07:00

So here's a picture of a tree. It's from Becca's blog.

For some reason, it looks small. Here's a picture of the same tree, from Kyle's blog:

It reaches the ceiling! It's got at least 18 inches on Kyle. But here's a third picture of the same tree, from my blog:

How big is it really?

A brand called Alan

2008-12-03T01:45:00.002-07:00

Things to tell interviewers and future employers:

Alan is the Jet Li of communication, and he will do anything for money.

Alan kicks butts frequently and in large quanities, "kicks butts" meaning "does things."

Alan will have your job within the year if he wants it.

Alan is dependable, and can accurately quote Sponge Bob episodes.

Alan finds satisfaction in complacency and relentless mediocrity.

Alan is better than you are; hire him immediately. Immediately!

Chuck Norris wears Alan Broadbent pajamas.

Alan understands if you don't really want to hire him.

Yes, I wrote these in class.

No hood!

2008-12-01T23:18:00.001-07:00

I didn't put the hood up today. Big mistake. Here's what I saw:

Yep. Oprah. Ruined my day.

A hoodie

2008-11-15T00:59:00.004-07:00

It was cold the other morning, so I threw on a hoodie before walking to class. It was a little skewed, so the hood ended up blocking most of what my right eye wouold have seen. It was wonderful. I walked to class blissfully unaware of what was happening or existing to my right. Here's what I saw:

Maybe I missed something that would have ruined my day!

On the other hand, I may have missed something that would have greatly enhanced it...

Election day's a-comin'

2008-11-03T16:58:00.002-07:00

Two great things

2008-10-22T00:57:00.006-06:00

In no particular order.

Number one: My new CD.

Number two: Julie from work.

Wisconsin! When would I have gone to Wisconsin? That's right. Never. What's up. Waterskiing cows.

Glee

2008-10-03T00:07:00.007-06:00

There is nothing I could possibly write here to supplement this picture. I've never considered myself a photographer, but this photo injects immense glee directly into my inner soul.

What is fascinating?

2008-09-29T01:23:00.002-06:00

This is fascinating. The thing that really gets me is the expanding shell of radio transmissions. Man, that gets me.

Day 14 - Guys play MASH too

2008-09-24T23:59:00.002-06:00

We were all pretty fresh off the mission. We were waiting for William Shatner to fill us with light and wisdom. We played MASH. This one was mine. According to it, I'm going to marry Councilina and have 15 kids, live in a house with a pet fat slug, drive an 18-wheeler, and make 180K a year as a stay-at-home dad. How very obstensive.

(I'm trying to figure out whose handwriting it is. I think it might be Lashley's. It doesn't look enough like the Council Bluffs font to be Council Bluffs' handwriting.)

Well, that's day 14 of 14. The good news is I've gotten all that scanning out of my system. The bad news is that 2 weeks of daily blogging has made me think of all kinds of things I want to post, but didn't because they weren't scannable. Okay, one thing. But I kept thinking of it for some reason. Expect a great picture from a camera phone in the near future.

Day 13 - Snoop Dogg

2008-09-23T23:59:00.000-06:00

What is Snoop Dogg's favorite cereal bar?

Day 12 - Nice notes from girls

2008-09-22T23:59:00.000-06:00

I was once an avid note-passer. I thought it was funny to put little hearts on the notes, so that it was more like grade school. Everyone who sees the outside of the note thinks it's a love note. When I was a clerk and handed out financial statements to ward members, I wrote names and drew hearts. Even if I was passing a note that said "Please move your morbidly large head so that I can see the teacher." As a result, any note I got back had to keep the theme up, and I got all kinds of heart-covered notes from girls! You can see the X's and O's on the other side of this one in the top right corner.

Day 11 - Guster

2008-09-21T23:59:00.000-06:00

I attended high school. I had a teacher named Mr. Fields. I had a classmate named Lashley. Lashley and I would eventually end up being roommates at a univeristy in Utah. But at the time, our minds were focused on the task at hand: drawing pictures of Guster instead of paying attention in class. This one's easily the best one.

Day 10 - Notes

2008-09-20T23:59:00.001-06:00

I went to a fireside once where the stake presidency talked to us about dating. Apparently, I didn't care much for their tone or approach. These are the notes I ended up taking.

Day 9 - Dear blog

2008-09-19T23:59:00.001-06:00

I posted this yesterday. Really.

Click it to embiggen it.

Day 8 - Briefcase

2008-09-18T23:59:00.001-06:00

I passed this around in Elders' Quorum one day. It was after I came to church with a brieface stuffed with oatmeal cream pies. Note: if you ever do that, people will ask you for oatmeal cream pies from your briefcase for a long time. Think twice, people.

Day 7 - Ambiguous Test Result

2008-09-17T23:59:00.000-06:00

...or ATR. I took my car in for a safety inspection. They handed me this piece of paper, but I have no idea if it passed or failed. They've taken tact to a new level, such that I can't tell if they granted me a pass or not. Oh well.

Day 6 - Did I purchase a large hobo?

2008-09-16T23:59:00.000-06:00

Yep. From Target. For twenty bucks.

Day 5 - Ben Jeppsen

2008-09-15T23:59:00.000-06:00

I was once on an intramural frisbee team with Ben Jeppsen. He was the team captain. He was a lot better than I was, but when the ward would get together and pass notes, he still sent notes like this.

Day 4 - Things to blog about

2008-09-14T23:59:00.001-06:00

I wrote all these down while waiting for a stake conference to start in the Provo Tabernacle. It was a long time ago. I've already used some of them. I know these ideas are gold, so if anyone wants to use one or more of these great topics, go ahead. Just let me know, so I can read it.

Day 3 - Theremin

2008-09-13T23:59:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time, five of us took a trip to a little place called Ridgecrest, California. Their initials are Whit ney, Gavin, PW, CB, and me. We swam in the sand dunes. We played 4-square. We ate at Jack in the Box. And we played Balderdash.

Readers. I exhort you to play Balderdash at 2 a.m. with close friends at least once in your life. The piece of paper you see here caused a lot of people severe shortness of breath and facial redness. Especially Council Bluffs. It was funny. We all thought it was fake and we were already enjoying the mirth of knowing that we were all spouting out lots of crap.

Theremins are actually really cool.

Day 2 - Close shave

2008-09-12T23:59:00.000-06:00

There are about five things in life that make me happy. This is one of them. I don't know what the other four are, but this easily makes the cut. This is the worst ad a lot of us have ever seen. Kyle found this one and brought it home with him. What caught his attention was the expression of pain and woe on the face of our shaving buddy. It wasn't until we looked at it a few more times that we found the 2 typos. Find them!

Click for to make big!

boo scanners

2008-09-11T23:59:00.000-06:00

I thought that scanners were magical boxes that allowed people to put papers onto computers. I thought they were the opposite of printers. It turns out they're only grinning scarecrows sent to turture and manipulate me. I've spent a lot of time lately trying to get my scanner working on two different computers, but it just keeps not-scanning. The people demand touch lamp lists. I promised Becca that as soon as I got my scanner up and running, I would scan 14 things and post one every day for two weeks.

As my stack of Stuff To Scan grew in size, I grew in giddiness, and my scanner grew in defiance. So I went to campus! I brought the stack! I went to campus! To scan!

My face remained expressionless, but I was smiling in my mind as I excitedly slipped precious documents between the evil jowls of the infernal campus scanner in the Wilk. Regardless of scanner placement, the scanner software ruthlessly cropped my e-precious documents to the point of slight unsatisfaction. Important stuff wasn't making it onto the screen! Luckily, the list made it, so I hereby declare this post to be the first of 14 consecutive posts of scanning joy. I'll figure out how to scan later. And check out some other blogs to find out what this list is about. Start here.

five dollars

2008-08-30T21:57:00.003-06:00

Did we eat some five buck pizza?

Or did we eat pizza that costs five bucks?

Park City

2008-08-19T08:47:00.007-06:00

I went to Park City a couple of weekends ago. I brought my bagpipes. I just barely took the pictures off of my phone. There was a big sale at Linens and Things!

Here's the zipline we went down at the olympic village.

Better pictures were taken, but not by my phone. According to my phone, all I did was check out the sheet sale and look at a zip line. My phone probably thinks I'm boring. And weird. And so do my roommates.

Story about good and story about bad

2008-08-16T23:00:00.000-06:00

Today I slept in! :D

Because I had to work late last night. :(

But I did get some Burger King! :D

But they got my order wrong. :(

No they didn't! :D

I didn't really get anything else done yesterday, :(

except make some bucks! :D

at work. :/

Which wasn't so bad. :|

and wasn't really that great either. :/

so at 5 I came home. :|

I was tired. :/

Cannon started moving in! :D

But he doesn't really live here yet. :/

But he will! :D

But he really doesn't yet. :/

Yet! :D

This picture:

This picture!

Mike: Just 3 guys and we're havin' a good time!
Kyle: Look! not touching him!
Alan: HOLY CRAP WHOSE HAND IS TOUCHING MY SHOULDER.

Dear blog

2008-08-09T02:19:00.002-06:00

Today at work there was a party for all of the people whose birthday is this month. There was a Beijing olympic theme, and there were fortune cookies out for people to take. I took one and declared its contents to dictate how the rest of my day would go. As I opened the package, the cookie slipped out of my fingers and shattered on the ground, where I saw that it didn't even have a fortune inside it. My day was going to be bad.

At least it didn't somehow burn my fingers or kill my ficus plant or change my name to Boron. Or make me watch crappy sitcoms. Or popular reality shows. And it didn't put me on a flight to a painfully boring city in an amazingly boring country. It also didn't shave my head and build a permanent house of cards on it. It didn't convince me to become a tree-hugger. Or an elephant-hugger or a flan-maker. It didn't sneak up to my office and steal my stuff.

And sell it all for trapezoid cookie cutters.

Or soy nuts.

So how bad was my day really going to be?

I didn't draw this

2008-07-31T13:54:00.002-06:00

the new Google

2008-07-28T10:55:00.002-06:00

Apparently cuil.com is a fancy new search engine looking to give Google a wet willie. Well, if you haven't heard if it, allow me to be the first to tell you that it's complete junk. I searched for accurate and accidental, and I couldn't find my blog anywhere. I even tried my ace in the hole, the word "shizzy", and it came up with absolutely no results. So I tried searching for my name, and of course tons of results came up. I added "-jazz" and again, zero search results. Zero! Heck, I can come up with zero results whenever I want!

Heck!

Any search engine that can't find me or my blog is obviously not a Google contender.

And it was really hard to use "searched for" instead of "googled" while writing this post. I'm assimilated.

How do I feel?

2008-07-25T22:10:00.006-06:00

I went to my MCOM 320 class one day, and the teacher gave everyone a piece of paper that had a big square on it. She said something like "I want you all to express one of your life goals using this piece of paper." Everyone obediently filled the square with words that described their life goals. The teacher then expressed her disappointment that everyone assumed that they were to fill the square with words. She wanted people to write outside the square. Or draw pictures on the back instead of writing. Or fold the paper into something. The lesson was that we shouldn't assume our restrictions and take whatever liberties we can. So I'm going to use means other than paragraphs to express the answer to the question: how does Alan feel?

1. Of all pictures of casserole on the internet, this one best expresses how I feel:

2. Consider the following list of words:
mason
awoke
soft
sushi
foamy
fax
amid
divvy

The three that best represent how I feel are sushi, fax, and amid.

3. I feel more like the row of dots than the dashes or ampersands:

a. ...............................
b. -------------------------------
c. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

4. What Marx Brother do I feel most like? Zeppo.

5. Open Microsoft Paint. Double-click on any of the colors. Click "Define Custom Colors." Enter the following values: Red 124, Green 201, Blue 178. That's the color that I feel like.

6. I'll now type a few rows of random letters. The placement of my fingers on the keys while trying to be random will reflect my mood and feelings.

aojaoaoaojaoaj aomaoiajo a aoiaoija oai jaoij aoi nanmaioin aana oaoaaoa
a zeppo aoina oianaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa anoai anoianoa inao ainao ainao aa a aiaiaaa
aiuaoa oajao inao amoamoaimoaiahaihaia a ai jao ao ama iamaio aonam anma a

Not cool enough

2008-06-06T22:44:00.003-06:00

Things that are cool but not enough:

- Optical mice
- Xerox 92-brilliance paper
- Scars
- The 4th season of SpongeBob
- New Balance shoes
- Hankook tires

If they were just a little bit cooler, they might have made this other list.

Things that are plenty cool enough:

- The tank that Kyle drew on a comment on Katy's blog

Catch that train

2008-05-31T02:58:00.002-06:00

Sand castles!!!

Brackets = secret message

2008-05-31T02:23:00.002-06:00

The other day [I] made (my)self {eggs} with bacon. I thought "Hmm, I'm just {like} a real breakfast chef! Yes I [am]." So I grabbed [a] blue (spatula) and gave {the} [lazy] susan a {good} spin. Bacon (is) good. Then an egg blew (up) and knocked {me} on my [bum]. I'm ok though.

People that need to shove it

2008-05-22T16:29:00.002-06:00

I'm not kidding about this:

Every time(EVERY time?(yes, every time.)) I sit down to make a blog entry, the first(the VERY first?(yep, the very absolutely first)) thing that pops into my head is "how about I make a post called "hey, shove it right now" or "people that need to shove it" or something like that?" My old pp8 roommates can verify this if they remember when I made a list with the very name of this blog post on the whiteboard on our fridge. (The board actually had two columns; the second was "things that need to be shoved.")

I don't actually think about specific people that need to shove it, I just (for some reason) ALWAYS think that it would be amusing to make a blog with that title. I usually snap out of it. Today I had to do it just to see if it would appease my nagging mind.

I told a few people a long time ago about my idea of making a Web site called "People That Need to Shut Up." That's a little more rude than "shove it," but the idea is that people would go to the site to do two things: post the names of people that sincerely need to shut up, and check to see if their name has been posted. I planned for it to become the new short-lived internet sensation that everyone talks about for two weeks, then completely forgets about. Two weeks tops. But it would get millions of names. Oh yes.

I even decided that I would post my own name, so that I wouldn't be sad to see that someone else had posted it.

To liven up this boring post, here's a picture of a guy with a great 'stache.

bloggin' slump

2008-05-19T23:51:00.002-06:00

To get out of my blogging slump, here's some great sentences. I made them using spell check, like Kyle and I used to do.

-She flaps the diffused odd seats in tens silly flood kills and snout flange.

-Down that strider bait I healed and dimpled all the fiddles.

Ok, so they're not entertaining. Actual blog post:

So I went to California this past weekend. I played on the beach. I saw the Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge. I watched two of my favorite single people in the world become two of my favorite married people in the world. I sat with two brilliant minds and discovered the greatest word on the planet. I heard a secret. I went on a completely pointless hike.

I'm a wimp. And what's more! When I came home, I caught both of my roommates swingin'. Foucault and Nemrow would have been ashamed of me.

some drawings

2008-04-26T01:18:00.006-06:00

Here's how I thought being homeless for eight days would be:

Here's what it's been like so far:

I guess I thought it would be cool, like I was being sneaky, or that it would feel like camping or something. Well, it sucks. It's cool when the sun gets eclipsed by the moon, but we wouldn't like it as much if it lasted for more than a few minutes, much like leaving the house is good until you realize you don't have a home. Wow, being homeless is absolutely nothing like watching an eclipse. Oops.

On the other hand, I've seen the goodness of mankind manifest itself to me many times over. People that I don't even know that well are offering me their homes and goods and storage space. And I bet if I ever said "hey sounds good! Thanks, man, I'll see you tonight!", a lot of them would actually follow through with it. I want to cry when near-strangers are that nice to me. And I don't mean the creepy kind of strangers. They make me want to cry for different and obvious reasons.

here's an easy one

2008-04-12T23:36:00.000-06:00

Here are the reasons:
1. The semester's about done
2. Binary solo
3. Mixed nuts and apple newtons

Here are the things:
1. I'm extremely relaxed
2. I have renewed faith in human kindness
3. I'm ecstatic that there are people in the world that know how to make a good joke

Of course, they're not necessarily in order.

Things that are good but do not belong in piñatas

2008-04-06T11:18:00.002-06:00

Screwdrivers
raw eggs
mice
ninja throwing stars
maple syrup
explosives
ideas
glitter
tear gas

any others?

Bless you, ants = blants

2008-04-01T13:20:00.003-06:00

1. poke you, ants
2. cheese you, ants
3. date you, ants
4. glaze you, ants
5. stop you, ants
6. please you, ants
7. like you, ants
8. freeze you, ants

So I ran into Gavin (1) and said "Just gimme a (2) to do a hip-hop (3)!" Then I tossed him a (4), and he took a fighter's (5) and punched me into some (6). I got him back when I grabbed a (7) and poked him into (8).

Google isn't cool

2008-03-24T14:17:00.002-06:00

I was a long-time Google fan. They'd never done anything to stab me. Well now they have. Accurate and accidental? Not anymore. They might as well have sent me an email saying "You never existed."

Do it Jimmy.

I win! kind of.

2008-03-20T12:56:00.002-06:00

Ok, so my blog is now the only Google search result that is officially accurate and accidental.

However.

There's a book called "Accurate and Accidental Empathy" by Michael Chandler.

I'm currently trying to hack into the book so I can change the author to ME.

Analog hacking. It's gotta be possible. I can poss anything.

Things that are accurate and accidental

2008-03-18T14:17:00.008-06:00

What I did:

1. Googled "is a great adjective" in quotes.

2. Got "gromphibbious," "nutty," "weird," and "fueled." Top 4 results.

3. Googled "what do gromphibbious, weird, nutty, and fueled have in common?" and looked for the first adjective on THAT page.

4. There were no results. And it told me that the "and" operator is unnecessary.

5. Unnecessary it is!

6. Googled "is the opposite of unnecessary" in quotes.

7. One result. Accuracy.

8. Googled "is the opposite of necessary" in quotes.

9. The third result was the first that had a real adjective for me. It was "accidental."

10. Set the title of the blog post.

11. Googled "is accurate" in quotes.

12. Googled "is accidental" in quotes.

Here are five things that are accurate and five that are accidental: (I picked my favorites from the first 2 pages of each)

Accurate:
1. Wikipedia
2. Passion
3. Mohs Micrographic Surgery
4. SenseWear(R)
5. My clock

Accidental:
1. Injury
2. Nothing
3. Whatever
4. Death by sunstroke
5. Fate

Then I Googled "is accurate and accidental" in quotes and got nothing. Then I googled "is accidental and accurate" in quotes and got nothing. I hereby declare my blog to be the first page on Google to contain something that is both accurate and accidental. Here it is.

Alan is accurate and accidental.

I hope I documented my process well enough that you can all repeat it and verify my steps.

I'll let you all know when it's official.

Things to forget

2008-03-12T21:50:00.004-06:00

The following things are worth forgetting, and have been sorted by category:

Because it hurts to remember them:
- that Mr. Rogers died
- your first rear-ender
- homework
- that there are people out there who actually watch America's Top Model
- that Council Bluffs isn't going to run for senator
- middle school

Because I do it so often that it has become a habit:
- homework
- homework
- people's names

For creative, crafty reasons
- that speeding is illegal
- how much you owe someone
- how much you hate someone
- which kitchen utensils are yours
- homework
- about that 6:00 AM meeting

Sheer unintelligence:
- where you live
- what you're allergic to
- whether or not you're gay
- ok, so these are actually NOT worth forgetting.
- anti-homework

Politeness:
- that someone stole your couch
- that someone wigged out
- that someone etc.
- please don't do your homework. It will make you unhappy.

I'm avoiding homework right now.

Frozen cans of cell phones

2008-02-21T23:13:00.002-07:00

Cell phones allow people to call people. They do! There's no waiting for pay phones to become available or saying stuff like: "Oh, hey Roberto. I don't have a cell phone. Nope, don't got one." Cell phones make that kind of conversation a thing o' the past!

But cell phones are also the dumbest dumb thing in the universe, dumber than piano benches, a sack of diapers, and an anvil.

Things that are dumb:
1. Cell phones
2. piano benches
3. a sack of diapers
4. anvils

I say so because of cell phone PROVIDERS. Sprint is stupid. In fact, cell phones are not all that unintelligent, the folks at Sprint are.

Revised list of dumb things:
1. Sprint
2. piano benches
3. a sack of diapers
4. American Idol
5. anvils

A post about post-its

2008-02-21T22:57:00.010-07:00

I blogged once about index cards. A comment surfaced about post-it note index cards. Post-it notes have so many other uses, though, besides note-taking. But only one is of any real worth.

Things post-it notes are good for
1. Note taking
2. Post it note art!!!

Obligatory Post-Valentine's Day Post

2008-02-15T21:26:00.004-07:00

Almost everyone I know posted on Valentine's Day, and I didn't, so I better get crankin'.

I went to every blog that I know about, and I made note of those with a February 14th post. Then I included the ones with a February 15th post, as long as it had something to do with V-day. Here are the blogs:

http://councilbluffs.blogspot.com/
http://caitlinpcarroll.blogspot.com/
http://theschmec.blogspot.com/
http://eanaj.blogspot.com/
http://thefruitrollup.blogspot.com/
http://sparklepony.blogspot.com/
http://quotation-marks.blogspot.com/
http://www.apostropheabuse.com/
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

(Those last 2 really are blogspot blogs. Or at least they started that way.)

And here are my reactions to each of the above blogs, in no particular order(of course):

1. What's with the crappy Flying V clip art?
2. Can't stop thinking about NFL.
3. I'm not! I'm totally not!
4. That's not even that good!
5. Great crap. That sounds REALLY good.
6. Cuties, they are. Cuties.
7. Well, mediocre people do exceptional things all the time.
8. I was also single, but I'm a guy, so Valentine's Day doesn't faze me.
9. Hah! Yellow?

The worth of the human genome

2008-02-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when Kyle and I start talking about crap.

The human genome contains about 3.2 billion base pairs, each of which can be represented by a C, A, T, or G. Thus, they can all be represented using 2 bits, i.e., 00, 01, 10, and 11.

We can store 4 at a time in a byte, which is made up of 4 bits; for example, GTTA would be represented as 11101001.

Here's a helpful conversion table:

1 byte = 8 bits
1 Kilobyte = 1024 bytes*
1 Megabyte = 1024 Kilobytes*
1 Gigabyte = 1024 Megabytes*

*It's not 1000. It's 2 to the 10th power.

So if 4 of the 3,200,000,000 base pairs can be stored in a byte, it would take 800,000,000 bytes to store them all.

Store them all!

That means it would take 781250 Kb.

And 763 Mb.

I know what you're all thinking. "763 megabytes really isn't all that much!" And you're right. But as Council Bluffs pointed out, we're constantly shedding skin cells at an alarming rate. Now we're talking about some new conversions:

1 Gigabyte = 1024 Megabytes
1 Terabyte = 1024 Gigabytes
1 Petabyte = 1024 Terabytes
1 Exabyte = 1024 Petabytes

Now this is some serious data storage. The human body casts aside a LOT of dna strands. Yet people pay hundreds of bucks for computers that store a few hundred Gigabytes of data.

Weak.

2 Solutions and Who Should Be President

2008-02-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

Solution #1:
The answer to the matching problem is as follows:

Stuff 1-7 corresponds to reason #5.

Thanks for playing!

Solution #2:
If every house or apartment had to elect a president, there wouldn't be months and months of debate and backstabbing. It would be relatively easy for most houses. In my apartment, Council Bluffs would be the president, and I think we would all agree on that. When you go from small groups of similar people to one big group of extremely different people, you can't pick just one person to govern them all. Heh, govern them all.

That's why I think we should split the U.S. into a thousand states, and put people that are similar to each other in the same state. We could narrow all the different kinds of people down to 1,000 groups. Sure. So we let them govern themselves, each group with its own president, economy, and one of those war-planning boards with the little armies and rakes.

The states that fail? Make them admit that they are all too stupid to have a say in who should be president of the whole country. The states that do well? They decide who should be president.

Who Should be President
Council Bluffs.

Y? Cause we got to.

2008-01-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

Match the stuff with the reasons why!

Stuff

1. I'm not doing homework right now.
2. P-A-R-T
3. I'd like to visit the moon.
4. But I don't think I'd like to live there.
5. I don't commonly ask girls on dates.
6. I'm not good at asking girls on dates.
7. I'm not gong to wash my car soon.

Why

1. I'd miss all the places and people I love
2. I'm flabby and weak
3. It's snowing
4. Cause we got to
5. I'm lazy
6. Girls are hard to ask on dates
7. I'm writing in a blog

Good luck!

Index cards

2008-01-24T23:49:00.000-07:00

I have index cards because they're great for writing things on. When I'm holding an index card and a great pen, I can't help but write something down. They pull thoughts out of my head and immortalize them. That's good!

But I don't like to throw away index cards. Every index card has a thought or list or plan on it, and that came from my head! If I throw it away, I might as well have never written it down in the first place. I just can't get myself to throw them away. Maybe I should sell my computer for more index cards and index card organizing containers. I'll keep my journal on index cards. I'll do my homework on index cards. I'll put a stamp on one if I need to write to someone. My great grandchildren will find large plastic boxes full of indexed index cards. They'll never be able to read them all. My secrets are safe!

What's up

2008-01-19T02:02:00.000-07:00

Things that are up:

Time!!

The gig!!

The Canadian dollar!!

Seven!!

My stocks!!

Order!!

Gas prices!!

Things that made me ecstatic

2008-01-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

1. Having Council Bluffs come back to Provo, and choosing an "unprecedented" theme for everything we do. I remember the "self-evident" theme, Gavin's "Max Power" theme, and we even had a blogging theme for a while. They all affected everything we did. "Unprecedented" will be a good one while it lasts.

2. Driving from Arizona to Provo with Kyle and Becca, and passing three speed traps that were being watched by mannequins in police cars. One of them was Miss Jenny's sister, probably Miss Sally or something. Evidence:

now THAT'S unprecedented.

Things that made me happy

2008-01-03T00:21:00.000-07:00

1. Being at home and kickin' it with awesome people.

2. My sisters are all moms, and I'm learning stuff about being a parent, and how precious those little kids are. What makes me happy is knowing that God loved all of us enough to send his only begotten Son down to Earth, to be mocked and crucified, so that we could all return to His presence, for a big ol' family reunion not unlike this Christmas break.

3. My mom, who is the nicest mom in the entire world. Anyone who knows her knows that if you but glance at a $3000 ming vase in a display case, she'll get it for you because she thinks you'll like it. If you're happy, it makes her happy. And that makes me happy.

4. Playing sit-down tag with my niece Hannah. I didn't think it was possible. And it was her idea.

5. An acoustic cover of Outkast's Hey Ya.

6. My dad gave me a blessing. Sweet beans 'n' molasses!

7. I got an accordion for Christmas.

9. My brother talked about things he wishes he could teach our nieces. We have 6 of them, and they play and fight and laugh together, and it's fun. But he, like me, was frustrated at wanting really badly to teach them some really basic and important things, things that grown-ups take a long time to learn.

1. Things aren't important.
2. Being better than other people in any way isn't important.
3. Being nice to people IS important.

I think he meant to say more things, but just those three speak volumes.

10. We also have 2 baby nephews. For some reason, doing something silly and making a baby smile makes me feel like a million dollars.

11. There. That's ten.

Things that made me sad

2007-11-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

Here are a few things that have made me sad recently:

It was good to be home, and I left. I just packed my bags amidst my family members moaning "don't go"s and "why do you hate us"s and left. Airplanes wait for no man.

I went to a place called Flatbreadz because it looked like it had some pretty good sandwiches. But I was in an airport. In Las Vegas. The prices. Yeah. Made me sad.

I read up on the blogs, since I haven't in a while, and one of them made me extremely sad.

I didn't know about a time zone change that got mixed up in all my travels, and I gave some wrong info to a lady that asked me for some correct info. And I landed in Salt Lake later than I thought I would. Sad.

I came to the realization that the hardest part of the semester is still forthcoming.

I looked at the new White Ninja comic strip and was delighted! Then I realized I have to wait 2 more days to see a new one. That was definitely saddening.

I floundered in the misty sea, but could not abide its mystery. I wound up sad, you bet.

I stayed up late and was sad to wake up early.

Why would I leave a happy place like [hometown] and voluntarily come to [name of university] to subject myself to another month of [plural standardized unit of weight] of homework and projects? Am I [derrogatory adjective] or something?

To end on a happy note, I bought chicken strips at Smith's!

Heck

2007-11-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

Heck, I can finish up the semester without poking my organs out with a pitchspoon. Heck!

Heck, I can feel a sense of accomplishment amidst a torrent of mediocrity. Heck!

Heck, I can eat whatever I want! Heck!

Heck, I can see your undies! Heck!

Heck, these baked beans are spoiled! Heck!

It has new game!

2007-11-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

There was a nice computer game advertised on homestarrunner.com a while back called "Where's An Egg?". The game allowed you to speak to a hand ful of people, but all you could do was ask them about specific items or people that you had seen before, and their responses were limited to pictures of people, things, or places. you have three bullets and you have to shoot the person who has the egg. It's an astonishingly tricky game. It's an astonishingly great game.

Life is like Where's an Egg?. We all wander around, asking vague questions that generally refer to things, places, or people we've seen. They respond with fuzzy images of other people, places and things, and we eventually find an egg.

Ok, life is nothing like Where's an Egg?, but there are days when I wish it was. I haven't had one of those days for years.

Here's a video of Iraqi recruits trying to do jumping jacks. If you have any milk on hand, drink some, watch this video a couple of times, and blow the milk out your nose as forcefully as you can.

Who's your favorite? I think mine is the guy on the far right.

And another thing

2007-11-03T12:24:00.000-06:00

As I sat in the Data Center last night, I saw employees' shifts end, and I watched as they shouted a general "have a good night!" to those poor saps who had to stay later than they. Their well-wishing was always answered with a "you too" or "aight" or "U2" from those of us who were staying. Well, 3:00 rolled around, and my backup was complete, so I grabbed my stuff and spat out a "have a good night!" to 3 remaining employees. I was met only by silence, from a stone-faced, computer-screen-watchin' threesome. For the entire length of the many halls leading to the data center's exit, I muttered about how they had better have a SHIZZY night.

"Man, that was one shizzy night!"
"Yeah, it'll be hard to top the shizziness of that one."
"There was just so much shizzy shiz!"
"Yeah, man. Yeah."
"I feel like I need a shower!"

I secretly hoped that there were cameras and microphones all along the hallways.

A likeness

2007-11-03T12:23:00.000-06:00

Once a big pack of saltine crackers named Barf went to town and met lots of moist mouths. Aah! Moist mouths! Barf was fortunate enough never to be caught by any of the moist mouths. He never got caught. Ever. But one day he did! A moist mouth thought to moisten one of Barf's precious crackers, but the tables quickly turned when the cracker dried out the moist mouth! In amazement, the moist mouth coughed, spewing microscopic bits of the cracker(that were somehow still dry!) all over the pizza parlor. The rain of salt and carbohydrates was a monument to Barf's momentary victory. But now Barf was one cracker down!

Some days I feel like Barf.
Some days I feel like a freshly de-moistened mouth.
And some days I feel like the pizza parlor.
And pop reality shows make people stupider.

Alan's next adventure?

2007-10-27T23:34:00.000-06:00

I've heard from more than one person that there are programs and templates out there that allow any ol' average Joe to make a comic strip like unto mine. I assure you that all(read: both) of Alan's Adventures were painstakingly created pixel by pixel using MS paint(among other things).

I tell ya, though, it sure discourages me from making any new adventures, because I COULD be using a comic strip creator. I wanted to create something unique and not-easily-creatable. Maybe I could switch to montages?

People tend to write things that have happened on their blogs. Here is something that has happened:

I threw down fifty bucks at that grocery store! I've never spend so much on groceries!

Note that if your finger slips while typing BLOGGER you may accidentally type BOOGER.

Not a big deal

2007-10-27T23:25:00.000-06:00

If I treat a waaaaay overdue post like a big deal, then I'm surrendering to the idea that people have been long expecting one. So this is just a placeholder. It's the hammer that you throw into the ocean before you hit the water so that the surface tension doesn't kill you. In my next post, I'll have already broken the sabbatical, so it won't be a big deal. Just another post. As for now, here's a picture I whipped up specifically for this post.

Twocan Sam!

2007-08-01T20:54:00.000-06:00

After hearing mixed reactions to Alan's first adventure, I feel the need to mention that it really is a true story. I'm sick of celebrities and I'm not going to talk about them. Go to someone else's blog for that. I can't guarantee anything. Forget it.

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." - Woody Allen

Click on it for bigger, more adventurous viewing! Click on it!!

Alan's first adventure!

2007-07-21T18:22:00.000-06:00

Introducing the adventures of Alan! In his debut episode, we see Alan in a true story of when he built up enough courage to call a girl up! Names have been changed.

Click the image for bigger, more adventurous viewing!

The Law of Forsythe

2007-07-10T00:05:00.000-06:00

Forsythe knew what he was talking about.

I was reading Cannon's blog and realized that I am entirely unable to produce readworthy words. So the least I can do for the 3 people that read my blog(you know who you are. I know who you are.) is provide some helpful information that could easify and reduce their tedious daily errands.

Information I could provide and the work I am saving people by providing it:

1. The inside scoop on what I think about people -- purchasing and planting spy cameras, mikes, and other reconnaissance shiz, plus all that wasted time sorting through the irrelevant information

2. Definitions to common yet confusing or unknown words -- embarrassment in everyday conversation, all that time sifting through an actual dictionary

3. Spice garden tips -- years of research and experience

4. These are all terrible ideas -- yeah

5. Occulent history facts and inspiring passages of text that make you want to be a better person -- a visit to Council Bluffs' blog

6. A picture of us when we went to the theater to watch Ocean's 13 -- wild card!! None of you even knew that you wanted to see it!

I may be on to something.

Some crap I learned

2007-07-02T21:54:00.000-06:00

adapted to nature-based metaphors:

1. Bears scratch their backs on tree bark because it's abrasive. Trees can be as abrasive as they want, but it'll only make bears want to scratch their backs more.

2. There's just no pleasing some people. I mean... flowers.

3. Ugly butterflies still get to eat... whatever butterflies eat. Butterfly Food Distribution Units (BFDU's) don't look at the butterflies that are eating the food and withhold it.

4. Bears eat beets.

5. Possums play dead to make other animals think they're dead. But there has to come a point with some animals where they realize that the possums aren't dead at all; that's just how they communicate "go away don't hurt me!"
5a. Same with birds. They fluff their feathers up to look bigger. I know they're not any bigger, but I also know they would say "I'll peck your eyes out if you take one more step" if they could talk.
5b. This has a lot of applications!

6. When humans get whipped cream up their nose, it doesn't come out.
6a. And it starts to smell awful.

Imagine my joy

2007-06-25T22:11:00.000-06:00

I saw some ugly birds today. I decided that they could only be uglier if their heads looked like Hugh Grant.

ring around the rosie
a pocket full of posies
aw shiz
aw shiz
we all fall down.

Things That Matter vs. Stupid Stuff

2007-06-24T01:36:00.000-06:00

I'm blogging right now instead of sleeping. Blogging matters less than sleep.

I have to wake up tomorrow and get going on a bunch of stuff that matters. Then come home and do stupid stuff.

Classes matter too. But stupid stuff is more fun.

I was cleaning today and I found an item made by a person at a time when I thought it mattered.

It was a cd. And I thought it mattered. A bunch of stupid stuff replaced the stuff that mattered.

Stupid stuff sucks.

Matter is relative. What matters to one person is stupid stuff to another. Everything that matters to me is stupid stuff to someone else. Guaranteed.

Some things matter so much that I don't care who thinks it's stupid stuff. They matter.

Matter is absolute. Here's a shout-out to all those who do things that matter, even if others see it as stupid stuff. Whoop whoop.

Stupid stuff is stupid though.

If I had a prosthetic leg I would try to trick people.

Things that suck

2007-06-10T00:03:00.001-06:00

The current count is at 5,633. Wow! A lot of things suck!

A few select items:

Smelly apartments
Not liking what everyone else likes
Getting clean things dirty
Making dirty things clean
Uncertainty
Regret

that spells SNGMUR. That, rearranged, spells MR. GUNS. And that's me.

it's summa tam

2007-05-16T23:54:00.000-06:00

Summary bits:

I learned the word "pile" from apartment 7 sometime. I thought it was weird, but now I feel like one. I've been a pile so far this summer. And it has been great.

Great picture bits:

Quote bits:

"Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Intelligence

2007-05-02T23:51:00.000-06:00

Things that mystify me, given in complete sentences, followed by poetry:

- Some things make no difference until they change.
- I think that some things will make a difference when they change, so I keep them from changing, but they wouldn't actually make a change, even if I let them.
- I'm a grown-up and I can make my own decisions, like going and getting Chinese food whenever I want.
- Not a complete sentence: Wanting to do things, but not ever doing them, thus showing that I don't actually want to do them.
- Sometimes I miss things that weren't that great. Nostalgia isn't just remembering the past, it's remembering a perfect past.
- I say "like" too much.
- Artificial credibility and faked confidence are NOT REAL. But they're valid in a few situations. Not all situations. And many situations that might seem to qualify actually don't.
- I can't even control what I say.
- I can't even control what I say!!
- How much of what I do and work on now will matter in fifty years?
- Ten years? Five?
- Tomorrow?
- Things that seem to be a constructive and good use of time may actually be a waste.
- A waste! That's a strong word!
- Classes are over and I didn't fail any of them!
- Not one!
- I'm probably wrong about most people I know.
- I should have said shfifty years.

Once I found a shiny pearl,
Inside an oyster shell.
But then the oyster ate it up,
And I was all, "oh well."

Shiz to ten

2007-04-24T15:56:00.000-06:00

On a scale from shiz to ten:

How hard my classes were: ten
How hard I worked to get good grades: ten
What I have to show for it: shiz

How great is: http://www.miniclip.com/games/doodle/en/
: ten

I command everyone to go there and play Doodle.

How good jelly beans are: ten
How good I feel right now: nine
What's missing: one
Ten or not ten: ten
How much I wish I could go to Council Bluffs: ten
How much I AM going to Council Bluffs: ten
How much I like mayonnaise: shiz
How finished I am with classes: eight
How finished I am posting senseless shiz: ten

Kyle, Alan, Cannon, Council Bluffs

2007-04-18T18:42:00.000-06:00

1. The order in which we would die if a nuclear bomb went off at Moon apartments

2. People who live in PP8 who look like Kyle, from most to least, not counting basketball players or jedis.

3. What KACCB stands for.

Proof

2007-04-13T17:04:00.000-06:00

Here's proof of my last post. It's a friday afternoon, I have to do some homework, my desk is messy, and I feel just fine! I'm not commonly all melancholy and crappy like that.

from finance class:

What do you call a deer that doesn't have eyes? no-eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no-eye deer.

quiz:
Why so leashed a-shankin'?

a. Gummi ball
b. Bridal shower
c. on his eats o' kankin'
d. hats are showin'

Suck

2007-04-11T01:22:00.000-06:00

Often, I don't feel like writing anything on a blog because my thoughts are commonplace and therefore dull. Sometimes I have groundbreaking thoughts, or at least they seem to have groundbreaking potential, and I like to think them, but they typically show up late at night, when everyone gets a little bit reflective and even contemplative, and nobody has time to write in a blog. But that's okay, because I don't think those thoughts or feel those feelings for more than a fraction of a day at a time, so I should be writing those dull, usual thoughts in order for my words to be consistent with what actually and more often goes through my head. The majority of the time, I'm just fine. Or at least I'm too stressed about school to worry about anything else. And since I hate wordy blog posts, here's what I just said in easier-to-read format:

(Each sentence simplified:)
I'm a boring kid.
I can think of cool crap to write, but I'm usually too tired to.
So I'm more boring than interesting.
I'm fine!
School sucks!

And now here's a grand summary of those five sentences:

I suck and so does school.

One-word summary: suck.